Relationship Anxiety 101: Understanding Anxious Attachment in Adult Relationships

July 14, 2025 Catalina Aldridge

Let me paint you a scene.

You: just living your life, being normal, taking 37 minutes to respond to a text.

Me: checking my phone like it’s a heartbeat monitor, rereading the last message I sent (was that emoji too much?), wondering if I’m being ghosted, spiraling into a void of “I knew I was too much.”

Sound familiar?

If so, welcome to the wonderful, exhausting world of anxious attachment where relationships feel like a constant game of “Do you love me now? What about now? Okay, what if I never stop texting?”

So What Is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is one of the four main attachment styles (the others being secure, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant). It usually stems from childhood experiences where love or attention was inconsistent. You might have gotten affection… sometimes. Other times? Radio silence.

As adults, this plays out in different ways:

Constantly worrying your partner is pulling away
Needing lots of reassurance
Overthinking every word in a text message
Jumping to worst-case scenarios (“They didn’t say goodnight… it’s over, isn’t it?”)
Feeling like you’re too much or not enough all at once

It’s not that we don’t love deeply, we do. In fact, we feel everything at a volume of 100. It’s just that our nervous system is in a constant group chat with our trauma, and they’re all typing at once.

Why Do We Spiral?

Because love feels urgent.

The moment someone seems distant, our inner alarm goes off: Something is wrong. You’re going to lose them. Fix it now. So we reach out, cling harder, or try to read between the lines of “k”. (Spoiler: there’s nothing there.)

It’s not manipulation, it’s fear and survival mode disguised as a double text.

You’re Not “Too Much” — You’re Wired for Connection

Here’s what you need you to know: having an anxious attachment style doesn’t mean you’re broken or unlovable. It means your brain and heart got used to chasing love, so now, safety feels unfamiliar, and anxiety feels like home.

But guess what? That can change.

How to Start Healing (Without Waiting for a Text Back)

Name it to tame it
Just knowing you have anxious attachment is powerful. It turns “I’m crazy” into “Oh hey, my inner child is freaking out again.”
Self-soothe like a champ
Your nervous system needs reassurance, and while a loving partner can help, you are your best safety net. Try journaling, deep breathing, or even talking to yourself like you would a best friend.
Check the story, not just the facts
Ask: “What story am I telling myself about this silence?” (Usually it’s “They hate me now.”) Challenge it with: “What else could be true?” (Maybe they’re in the shower. Or a nap. Or just… alive and busy.)
Communicate your needs, without shame
It’s okay to say, “I tend to get anxious when communication drops off suddenly. Can we talk about what works for both of us?”
Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.
Working with a therapist is a game-changer. Trust me, healing feels way better than chasing.

Do You Think You’re Anxiously Attached?

If you constantly spiral when someone takes too long to text back, you’re not dramatic, you’re probably anxiously attached. But you can absolutely learn to love (and be loved) without fear running the show. And hey, the fact that you’re here, reading this, means you’re already starting.

So next time your brain says, “They hate me,” try replying with: “Actually, they just might be in a meeting.”

A Quick Shoutout To Simplyrat!

If you are someone who struggles with anxiety we encourage you to take a look at the simplyrat website. Simplyrat is a new small business on a mission to help people who struggle with anxiety. Their online shop opens VERY soon where you will find anxiety specific journals, anxiety care boxes and more! Their “My Inner Rat” anxiety journal is currently live on Amazon, so definitely check that out!

Make sure you follow them on Instagram (@weresimplyrat) for updates on the shop! There are exciting things coming!

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